yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Randomize
