i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
