Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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