I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
