Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
