"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
