Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
