I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
