you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
