I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You are the jesus of drinking
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
