while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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