I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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