Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Panties = found
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
