"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
