ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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