I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
