Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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