You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
