note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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