The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
