How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
