How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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