my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
