I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
