I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
