I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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