Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
