Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
