I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Randomize
