I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
