I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
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