Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
