I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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