having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
