Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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