Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
