ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
