Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
false alarm. still invincible.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
