we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
