i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
