life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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