There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
