i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Hippo gnu deer
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
