Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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