I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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