ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
