I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
