I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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