Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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