she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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