There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
