i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
