this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
