I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
