fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
