Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
