so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
