did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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